School Response to Teen Dating Violence
By Allison Bressler, MA
I recently received a phone call from a high school counselor who told me that there was an 11th grade girl who was in an abusive relationship with a senior boy. The school has been made aware of numerous issues where he has threatened, pushed and yelled at her in the hallways of the school. The school handled the situation by having both students sign a “stay-away” agreement. By signing this agreement, both students agree that they will not go near one another while at school, will not eat together at lunch, and will not communicate whatsoever throughout the school day or there will be severe consequences.
Approximately, two days after this agreement was signed, the school counselor was made aware that the couple were talking in the hallway and soon a verbal altercation ensued. The girl attempted to walk away but the boy grabbed her arm and in response she yanked her arm back and pushed him away causing his books to fall to the floor. This interaction was seen by a teacher standing in the hallway who intervened and sent both students to the office.
The school counselor asked me if it was acceptable to suspend both the boy and girl for violating the “stay-away” agreement. My response…why would you punish the victimized student who can’t control the behavior of the abusive partner?
This is not a unique situation for many schools. If one out of three teenage girls and one out of seven teenage boys are abused in their relationship, it’s a high likelihood that all schools are contending with this issue at some point.
Most school counselors are unsure how to handle such situations especially when they have an administration that continuously puts the problem back at their feet or doesn’t want to handle it at all. Many districts have in their policy that no matter what, they are to contact child protective services in instances of dating abuse. I can assure you, that is not the way to go. In fact, most child protective agencies, whichever state you are in, will throw it back to the school when it comes to dating abuse.
There are a lot of ways a school can navigate these issues but there are a few rules that all schools should abide by when dealing with these situations:
First, all schools should have a zero-tolerance policy in writing. That means, a school district is saying by no means will they turn their head away to incidents of dating abuse and that abusers will always receive consequences to their behavior – whether it be suspension, expulsion or detention, or required to receive appropriate counseling before they are allowed back to school. There must be a swift response that sends a message that abuse will NEVER be tolerated.
Second, education for all students is a must. Students should know about the warning signs of abusive behavior, understand all the different types of abuse, learn the importance of safety planning and know who they can reach out to for support.
Third, education for staff – and that includes ALL staff. If a student has a trusted relationship with and discloses to their history teacher, then that teacher must be trained on how to properly respond to the student and help facilitate getting them to the school counselor who can provide them with the support they need.
Fourth, safety planning – it can save a life! All staff should be versed in how to appropriately safety plan with students. Safety plans offer tools to keep someone in an abusive relationship as safe as possible. Safety plans will help someone if they feel a fight is about to happen, need to mitigate a fight in progress or if they decide to break up with the abuser.
Lastly, resources. Counselors should be familiar will their local resources. No one expects a school counselor to be a domestic violence/dating abuse counselor so it’s important that they develop relationships with their local domestic violence agencies as many have services that support teens. This way they can eventually refer their student to continued support services.
Dating abuse is an issue in our schools that should be taken very seriously. Schools have a legal and moral obligation to keep their students safe. Understanding protocol to responding to and handling incidents of dating abuse on campus is paramount to the success of all students.